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[ It's been a few days since the first arrivals trickled in to this iteration of the monastery, and there's been some improvement to the area, at least.

Which is fortunate, really, because the clouds have finally decided to open up and let out a torrential downpour.

The grass out in the courtyard almost immediately becomes saturated with water, squishing beneath people's feet as they step through it. Drainage in the monastery is a real problem in some parts, particularly near the marketplace area. Slowly, as time passes, pools begin to form, though some of the remaining debris serves as a decent buffer between the water and whatever crates merchants may have left behind. It may be a good idea to salvage some of that, though it's not likely to be ruined thanks to said debris. In general, it's likely a rude awakening for any new arrivals.

Of course, some would say that rainy days are the best when it comes to fishing; some would even say they're right, given how the fish seem to be out in droves at the lake. If one didn't mind potentially getting soaked, they could bring in a real haul during this rainstorm. The dining hall is not nearly as well stocked as it had been in its heyday, so this could potentially be beneficial for the community.

For some, it's likely best to stay inside and find shelter from the rain. Thankfully, most of the monastery roofing seems to be intact, save for a few sizeable holes in the cathedral. Still, that doesn't mean there isn't a leak here and there, so watch your step, particularly in the dining hall and the second floor of the dormitories as well. It might not be a bad idea to put a few buckets out to catch all that water . . . ]

[[ MORE HOUSEKEEPING, hey what's up guys:

please PM this journal if there are more setting changes you'd like to be noted! i.e. if your character did some sprucing up in the greenhouse, just let me know and I will update the setting page accordingly.
as noted on the "mod" plurk, I'll try putting up open posts roughly once a week going forward. it'll depend on how things are going, no big. ]]

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[None of those align with what Felix knows, and another time, he would have laughed at how absurd everything is. Regret fills him at the mention of Arianrhod, the fortress that they have abandoned in favor of a greater goal. A goal that has led him away from Dimitri, until their paths diverged too far, never to intersect again.

Until now, that is.]

Horsebow Moon, the month after we ended it all. The professor is now the new Archbishop that rules over all of Fódlan, and...

[Felix inhales sharply, steeling him from what he's about to say. It's easier when he's not looking at Dimitri, and before he can change his mind, he pushes on, letting the revelation spill from his lips.]

...I just finished leaving flowers by the graves of the fallen, [Felix says, surprising himself with how even his voice sounds,] Including yours.

[The thought of Felix leaving flowers at a grave, after all the times he's said that the dead do not care what the living do — it makes his heart ache every bit as much as seeing him in the cathedral. How much pain must he be in to do things that he formerly thought of as meaningless? To cry like a child on his shoulder? Is there even any point in offering comfort when he's not the Dimitri that died? What else could he even say, except...]

...you are not the only one to say that I have died. I am not surprised, to tell the truth. I fought recklessly without rest, and without heeding anyone's advice. It is likely that behavior ended in my death more often than not.

[Dimitri lifts his hands, fingertips tracing a couple of the nastier scars on his torso. His voice lowers, almost to a whisper.]

A part of me wanted that.

[Shaking his head, he moves on.]

I will not ask you to recount the details, and we do not have to speak of this again if you do not wish to. I know all too well the pain of being the one who survives, though, and regardless of what happened to me... I promise you that I did not resent you for it. No matter how our paths may have diverged, you will always be dear to me.

[Dimitri tells him they don't have to talk about it after saying all that, yet, how can he not, when the image of a certain grave is forefront in his mind?

Regret stabs him like a poisoned knife, spreading through his system and leaving him numb as he continues to stare far away. Everything this Dimitri says... it's everything he wished for his Dimitri to have realized, to have said before they parted ways.

But Felix didn't even get the chance to say sorry. To make up for all the times he was caustic, disagreeable in his fear and disgust of what Dimitri had become. Having Dimitri indirectly forgive him like this...

...It has something prickling at the corner of his eye once more, his chest growing heavy. He balls his fists as he shakes slightly where he stands, pursing his lips in an attempt to stopper these unwanted feelings. No, he's not going to cry like a baby again in front of Dimitri...]

[Giving Felix a moment to compose himself would be for the best, he knows it would. He's only going to be difficult to handle if he gets flustered all again. But how can Dimitri not reach out when he sees him clenching his fists and pressing his lips together like that? If he were to puff out his cheeks as well, he would be the spitting image of himself as a child... Dimitri edges closer, extending his hand and lightly closing it around one of those fists without saying anything more.]

[That gesture both reassures him and not, and currently, it's doing more of the latter as tears start to spill. Rubbing at his eyes with his free hand doesn't do anything to help and seems to only aggravate the matter further, the scene now completed with a childish sob.

But thankfully, this spell doesn't last as long as the one in the cathedral, and Felix slips away from Dimitri's comfort not too long after. How embarrassing of him.]

...Thanks.

[For now, he'll content himself with pretending that didn't happen.]

[That this is a problem he can't fix with a hug and a headpat is something Dimitri is painfully aware of. And even if he could, that would only work for so long. When Felix returns to his own time, he won't be there to hold his hand. If nothing else, this has strengthened Dimitri's resolve to survive this war, even if it does mean that he has to strike Edelgard down in the end. He lets Felix draw his hand away without comment, joining him in pretending the moment never occurred.]

Don't mention it. ...well, other than myself, who all have you run into here? Have you seen Ashe, yet?

[Felix rubs at his eyes one more, wiping the last of his tears away.]

Yeah, I've seen him. As with Hilda and Bernadetta. They didn't really look that changed to me.

[Finally, he manages a glance towards Dimitri, only to regret it a moment later when he is greeted with the reminder that Dimitri is, for better or for worse, half-naked. But his shock is momentary, and he manages to maintain eye contact by focusing on Dimitri's face.]

How about you? Who else did you run into?

I have met Hilda and Bernadetta as well.

[Dimitri covers a small laugh.]

I finally got to see that secret technique you mentioned. Bernadetta would be fearsome if she learned to harness that!

She would.

[Felix's chuckle comes out short, partially consumed by less pleasant feelings. He never recalled sharing such things to Dimitri--this is no doubt something his Felix had chosen to divulge, yet again a reminder of what could have been.]

I'm hoping that by becoming familiar with her practices, I could figure out the secret behind it.

[It's... strange, to say the least of it. Having this normal conversation with Dimitri. But when he can no longer summon the hate he often used as a shield, it's surprisingly easy to fall back into his old habits.

Could he have done this earlier, in his time? Before Dimitri pushed past the point of no return? Felix pushes the thought aside, willing himself to focus on the present for now.]

If you need a research assistant, I also met with Linhardt. They were classmates, so she probably isn't too frightened of him. Who else...

[Ah, of course, Marianne. His smile softens.]

I saw Marianne. She still seemed to be a student, I cannot imagine this is pleasant for her. Flayn and I spoke at the lake — I am somewhat surprised I did not see her there today! I saw Claude, though. It seems that many of the Golden Deer are present, actually. I have not met with Lorenz or Raphael, but I have been told they are here.

[There is one more person he's met, one that he's hesitant to mention even though Edelgard claims to have seen her, too. Felix is an old friend, but he can be touchy about Dimitri seeing... things.]

[Felix runs a hand through his hair as he listens to Dimitri enumerate the various faces he's seen around. Besides Edelgard--and possibly Claude--none of them seem to be people he should be worrying about, but with the way Dimitri isn't obsessing over her, the truce they decided on is perhaps actually working.]

Sounds like you've been busy. I'll see what I can do with regard to getting in touch with the others.

[He pauses, then promptly looks away as he continues, softer:]

...thanks.

[For the information, for the earlier comfort. Not that he's about to admit the latter.]

[Even without the admittance, Dimitri knows. He can hear it in his voice, see it in the shy way he glances off to the side. He knows, and he also knows not to verbally acknowledge it. Words get in the way too often with Felix, and sometimes, it's better to just not try to use them.]

It's my pleasure.

[Really, it is.]

I suppose I have been running about quite a bit. I still find it... difficult to sleep at times.

Have you tried the second floor dormitories yet?

[Felix folds his arms, still not looking Dimitri's way. Still, the change of subject is very much welcome, and he's only too eager to pursue it.]

It still needs a bit of work, but for the most part we've cleaned out the worst of it.

Only briefly, when I went to check what was left in my room.

[A whetstone, and he found a honing rod too, both of which have been donated to the kitchen to help gut all those fish.]

I have not paid attention to the beds since I cleared out all the linens. The mattresses are in good condition?

[What luck, that the blankets shielded them from the worst of the dust and the urine... still, the lack of heat will pose a problem if temperatures drop too much, but he might give it a try.]

Relatively. Not the comfiest, but you can sleep on them. With Bernadetta's quilts, it should be more serviceable now.

[That, and...]

Were the linens still salvageable or are we going to have to get new ones?

Some were, some were not. I have relinquished everything to Bernadetta. She did try to get me to help her sew them together at first, but...

[Dimitri grimaces. Yeah, Felix can guess how that turned out.]

Our supplies are far too limited for me to be trying to learn to sew. I am better put to use moving rubble, anyway.

[At least then, his crazy strength is useful instead of a detriment!]

[Felix snorts at Dimitri's statement about him and needlework, but does no more than that as he nods at the rest of his answer.]

Yeah, that's true.

[He makes a mental note to check with Bernadetta on the state of the rest of the linens, which would be nice for the rooms that he just helped clean out.]

Goddess knows, I haven't seen any implements we could use to clear out things.

There are some horses here, and we should be able to rig them up to move some of it, but... well, Raphael and I are here as well, and it is simply easier for us to do the job in the meantime.

[Plus, the horses are a precious commodity and may not heal as well as Dimitri if they're injured. Dimitri knows not to say something like that in front of Felix, though. He wouldn't even say it in front of a Felix that didn't go through his death, much less this one.]

[Fortunately for Dimitri, Felix doesn't pick up on the more sensitive implication of his statement, simply nodding in agreement at that evaluation.]

At least you've found something you can stick to.

[For a while, Felix simply stares into the fire, letting its warmth wash over him and his now almost dry clothing. It's... getting a little oppressive to be honest, though Felix doesn't know if that's due to the heat around the room or current company. Casual as their conversation is, it's precisely because of that Felix has some growing reservations of his own.]

In the meantime, I guess I should get going.

[He's terrified of getting used to this, then returning to a reality without Dimitri around.]

["But you just dried off", he wants to say. However, something stills his tongue. If Felix wants to retreat from him, shouldn't... he allow it? There's no telling how much time they'll have here, and even if he longs for the company of one of his dearest friends, he wants to ease his pain, not make it worse. Dimitri takes a slow breath.]

Very well. Try not to catch cold.

I won't.

[Felix says as he sweeps his coat off where it hung. Donning it in silence, he doesn't linger, and leaves without looking back.

He can't afford to get used to Dimitri's presence. He just can't. Not when the future is so uncertain, and can snatch him away again in the blink of an eye.]

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cw suicidal ideation

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