garregmach | (no subject)

(no subject)

A mist settles in over the monastery.

Is it morning? Night? Who can say? Today, the day feels endless. The sun is nowhere to be seen — or had it been at all? Instead, a curious green glow engulfs Garreg Mach, like an eternal twilight settling in. Time seems to be paused almost, though the wildlife in and around the area continues to act as though nothing is wrong. As though this is perfectly normal. As though it is natural for the skies to be dark, with not a single star in sight, and for the sun to be forgotten in the mist that lingers. The paths are at least lit by small orbs of light, fireflies flitting about.

However, should one come into contact with one of those fireflies, a memory of the past will be projected for all in the close vicinity to see. Joyous occasions, tragic events — they don't seem to discern one way or another. Perhaps it would be best to watch your step for now, though.

Of course, after lingering for about a day, the strange ambience will fade into what appears to be a normal night at Garreg Mach. It's as if nothing had happened at all. Did it? Or was it all simply a shared hallucination?

[ ● MEMSHARE POST. Coming into contact with the fireflies will share a memory of your character's with those around them. You can top-level with a memory to start out or have people tag you and determine it then, whatever. I don't make the rules (except I do and I say yolo). Have fun with it!
● Open posts like this one are flipping to a two week schedule instead of a weekly one.
● Because of the above, the last bit is there for people who'd maybe like to play out aftermath threads later on but don't want to wait for a new post or make a new one.
● Settings have been slightly updated. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[It is far too easy to remember that night, and it is the last thing he wants to remember right now. Seeing Felix color has his own face reddening, and after staring at him for a good thirty seconds, he lifts a hand to his mouth and looks off to the side.]

...it has been some time since I thought of that.

[On purpose. It was humiliating for both of them...]

[Felix ends up mirroring a similar expression, looking the opposite direction as Dimitri.

Why now? Why him? Truly, the goddess knows no mercy, if this is how she chooses to punish those that have wronged the world with their cursed decisions.]

I'd rather forget about it.

[Among a host of other things, but it's difficult not to settle on them when Dimitri's right there, and his feet don't seem like they want to budge from the spot they're on.]

[Does what became of him warp even these memories? It's not something Dimitri can fully grasp. Even now, even after everything that happened with Edelgard, he still looks back on that time they were friends with fondness. Wanting to forget is never something he's wanted. Thinking that Felix wants to forget him... hurts.]

I see.

It's...

[Before Felix could stop himself, the word spills out of his mouth, begging a continuation that isn't forthcoming otherwise. Curse him for being taken in by the hurt in that otherwise flat response.]

...embarrassing, okay? [he says, still not looking Dimitri's way as red continues to flood his cheeks.] I don't know what we were thinking.

[As with the incident in the sauna.]

Edited 2019-10-20 04:34 (UTC)

[Ah, so that was it. Dimitri's shoulders relax slightly as he steps into a more conversational distance, chuckling.]

Well, I was simply thinking that I did not want to have to live so far away in Fhirdiad. It is as simple as that for children of that age, is it not?

[That simplicity is something he certainly envies now. If only it were still as easy to just say "let's stay together" without all the complications time and age have inflicted upon them.]

I...

[...wanted to be with you forever. At that point in time, Dimitri was his world. His father, Glenn, Sylvain, Ingrid... they existed in the periphery of it, but if anyone asked him his truest desire then, he would have answered something along those lines without skipping a beat, grinning as if there is nothing out of the ordinary about his words.

Now... he doesn't know. What he wants, or if that desire still holds true.]

...had different ideas.

[Felix straightens up, casting his gaze towards the docks.]

Not that they matter anymore.

[Feelings better left unsaid, the lot of them.]

Edited 2019-10-20 05:33 (UTC)

[Then — does Felix mean that he took it seriously? But Felix didn't seem to understand why they couldn't do it any more than Dimitri did at the time! Or does he just mean that he wanted to be together, not as a group, but specifically the two of them...? His face heats up again at the thought, quickly pushed aside as he follows Felix's gaze out to the water.

He never should have let Felix push him away when they were younger.]

I suppose things are never as simple as they seem.

[Felix sighs.]

They never are.

[If they were, then Felix would know what he truly wanted out of Dimitri all these years. Would not have lashed out at him with such words, or denied what bit of him still clung on to the past they shared.

Is... that all you're finding?

The unspoken question rings in his mind yet again, begging to be said. Yet the words remain stuck in his throat, and as he struggles to find his voice...

A firefly settles on his neck, and Felix finds himself transfixed in horror and fascination at the scene that unfolds before him.

It's none other than what had come to pass at that cursed bridge, where his biggest regret had come to pass.

"It is none of your concern," Dimitri says quietly, "You have seen to that."

Those words hit him harder than any punch Dimitri could have tossed at him.

"What? I'm not allowed to be concerned about you just because I prioritized the professor? Are you still sore about that damn thing?!"

But consumed is he by rage that he's quick to fuel that hurt into a glare, furious at both himself and Dimitri for letting things turn out this way.

Dimitri laughs, a harsh, unpleasant sound that rings in the night, striking a primal fear in Felix. It's just for a moment, but Felix hates himself anyway for feeling it. Hates how it creases his expression momentarily, hates how it mars Dimitri's already unrecognizable face into something he completely twisted, far from the boar he already accused him of being.

"You were finished with me long before that, don't embarrass yourself by trying to tell me otherwise now."

]

They... never really are...

[Balling his hand into a fist, Felix grits his teeth and averts his gaze from the projection, hating how small his voice sounds then.]

[Dimitri freezes, eye fixed on that awful memory as it plays out before him. Is this the last time Felix spoke with him? When he "let" him die? Because somehow, choosing the professor meant turning away from Dimitri...

Again, he can't help but feel that his fate literally hinges on the professor's choices.

But that's a distant thought compared to the whirlwind of emotions he sees on his own face. Affection, ever so briefly — then fear. Both are there and gone so quickly, visibly snuffed out by anger, the shield he hid behind as he pushed every painful thought aside to impale Edelgard with his spear while throwing himself at her axe. And in that moment, he knows exactly what his other self had thought:

He didn't want Felix following him to his grave.

The realization sucks the air out of his lungs. It's something he knows he can never, ever tell Felix, not when he's already so consumed with guilt and self-hatred. It's better for him to think that Dimitri was truly lost. And who's to say that he wasn't? Even if his love for one of his oldest friends hadn't been completely destroyed, that might not have been enough to bring him back. Even if it were, would he have been able to truly recover? He's not sure that he has even now, and that's with the professor at his side...]

Felix...

[Felix swallows.

There it is. That pity, that understanding layered with the utterance of his name from the person he needs to hear from the most.

He's sick of it, yet he craves it. Hates it, but loves it all the same.

Just like Dimitri's presence on its own, it's a drug he knows he needs to wean himself off from, but can't help and indulge in anyway.]

I abandoned you.

[His chest tightens.]

I didn't try hard enough to stop you.

[Unheeding of Felix's anguish, the memory continues playing.

Dimitri pauses as he looks over Felix's shoulder, at something seemingly far away.

"Glenn..."

A punch flies from Felix, and with a scowl, he says:

"Look at me."

Dimitri's eye snaps back toward Felix as he catches that fist, baring his teeth as he starts to squeeze. He only lets go once he looks away, still looking at some place beyond Felix.

"There is no place for him here," Dimitri says.

]

Seeing you now, I can't help but think... if I just tried some more...

[Felix hangs his head, a familiar wetness swimming in his vision.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!"

Felix shouts from behind, indignant as Dimitri turns away and retreats. He starts to follow, wanting an answer to that after Dimitri's nonsensical response.

"Answer me, damn it!"

Felix chases after Dimitri, but his pace is half-hearted as the distance between them grows... until Dimitri eventually vanishes into the distance, leaving Felix with his thoughts.

]

I... could've...

[...saved you.

But the words themselves don't make it out of Felix, the lump in his throat making it impossible as tears start to stream down his face once more.]

[At some point, he might have been able to. At the Academy, maybe, or before the professor (or perhaps just Gilbert, in this case?) found him and gave him a way to actively seek his vengeance. But not at that moment. It was far too late then, he can tell. Dimitri steps up beside Felix, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.]

I did not want to be saved. Me surviving that battle at Gronder was a miracle, one that no one could have pulled off alone. Almost everyone I speak to here seems to remember me dying there...

[He's even had it described to him, vividly. Dimitri shudders, pulling Felix in a little closer.]

I felt that I belonged to the dead. A part of me still — still thinks that I should have died there in place of the people that fell for me. Please... please do not blame yourself. I am absolutely certain I had decided to die before you ever spoke to me that night.

[How could Dimitri say such things with such certainty? Felix wants to ask him, desperately so, but all that comes out of his mouth is a sob as he leans against Dimitri's shoulder. His tears drip sideways as he continues to cast his gaze across the dim, watery expanse before them, willing the heaviness in his chest to abate.

It doesn't, but his throat feels less tight now, allowing him to croak out a few words:]

I... can't help it.

[A sniffle, then a swallow.]

I still... refused to see... certain things...

[ ...that were right in front of me.

And still do, given how difficult it is for him to try and meet Dimitri's eye then.]

No words... can erase that regret of mine.

[So wrapped up was he in hating the beast that had taken root in Dimitri that he took for-granted everything else. Dimitri's attempts to overcome it. The olive branches extended in Felix's direction. Dimitri's own suffering...

...Until it's too late, and everything hangs in a precarious balance in this warped reality of the monastery they came to know.]

I don't expect words to erase your regrets. I do not think they can be erased. I will never stop wishing for the return of those I have lost. But if nothing else, I hope that hearing them will help you forgive yourself, even if only a little bit.

[It's what he would have wanted under those circumstances. It's what he wants now.]

I will say it as many times as you care to hear it. And if you would rather I not speak at all, then I will stand beside you.

[Dimitri draws his arm inward, pulling Felix toward his chest, blocking the space where that bitter memory played out from his sight.]

[Felix rests his forehead against Dimitri's shoulder, blinking back tears that have slowed their fall.

This closeness... is oddly similar to the moment they've shared some nights ago. Except that it's by no means night at the moment, despite what the darkness that hung over them may suggest. There's also an added layer of distance to them, their clothes providing some sort of shield from the vulnerabilities they chose to bare that day. The moment had also long passed for the words he was tempted to say back then, but perhaps...]

There's something else... I can't forgive myself for.

[Felix whispers against Dimitri's chest, a hand fisting into Dimitri's shirt. The solace this embrace gives is heartening, yet painfully sweet in a manner Dimitri's words have never been. And it has his thoughts lingering upon matters it otherwise shouldn't. A path he shouldn't tread, yet finds himself on the crossroads of, his foot one step away from continuing down it.]

[As Felix's breathing evens out, some of the stiffness in Dimitri's posture lessens as well. He takes a deep breath, slipping his other arm around him as well. It does briefly occur to him that Felix would probably rather not be seen like this, but he dismisses the idea of saying anything about it quickly. Everyone's struggling with their past trauma being put on display today, no one is going to care if they're hugging like this.]

what is it? [he asks softly, peeking down at the way Felix's fingers dig into the fabric of his shirt, as if he's trying to make sure he won't slip away. As if he could bear walking away when he's this vulnerable.]

[Felix squeezes his eyes shut, taking a breath to steel himself before he speaks.]

For thinking you could be the Dimitri I lost.

[The very least he can do, for having these sinful thoughts, is to apologize for them, for even daring to entertain the thought that this Dimitri could forgive him for everything he's failed to do.

Or answer for the love that Felix only realized when all was too late.]

[There's a slight hitch in his breath at the words, said in such a dull, resigned voice. What is he saying? That he regrets trying to pretend otherwise? That he can't pretend, so he would rather be left alone? It feels like a rejection of sorts, one that leaves him feeling like the air's been choked out of his lungs. But he did prompt Felix to tell him in the first place, so Dimitri only nods, afraid of what might come next but even more afraid of the damage it would do to ask Felix to keep it to himself.]

[Felix notices that hitch in Dimitri's breath, but before he could lose his nerve, he decides to push through, inhaling sharply.]

It's... not fair to you or him. [He clutches at Dimitri's shirt as if it would give him the strength he needs to continue.] Yet...

[I think I've fallen in love with you anyway.

The words would not come, and it's in light of his silence that Felix forces himself to look up and meet Dimitri's gaze, hoping, willing for his eyes to tell everything that words would not. It's a fierce gaze at odds with his red-rimmed eyes, softened by the uncertainty that lines his features, the vulnerability that comes with having cried one's heart in front of this person more often than what is warranted.

If there's one prayer he wishes the goddess would answer for him then, it's this. Amidst his racing heart and pursed lips, it's a message he wishes that would reach its destination, never mind the reply he both dreads and awaits.]

[So ready is he to be pushed away again that it takes him a couple of seconds to actually meet Felix's eyes. But the moment he's bracing himself for doesn't come. Instead, he finds his own feelings being reflected right back at him, a gaze that silently pleads with him to somehow hear the words left unsaid.

And against all odds, he does. He's also struggling to reconcile his feelings with the fact that this is Felix, but not the Felix that will continue to work and live alongside him once this spell breaks. He isn't sure he would even be having these feelings if he were. As dearly as he loves him, there are parts of Dimitri that Felix just hasn't ever been able to understand.

Not until Felix, too, hung a gravestone around his neck.

This understanding of theirs wouldn't be possible as they are in their respective timelines. That's what makes it feel wrong, like he's taking something that would never be given to him under ordinary circumstances. Yet when he sees that same shameful yearning he feels etched onto Felix's face, his will to adhere to the boundaries of friendship evaporate. With his heart in his throat, he leans down and accepts that unspoken invitation, pressing a gentle kiss to his pursed lips.]

[Felix is far from a prayerful man. His belief in the goddess is a casual consequence of being raised to do so, the practice itself something he tolerates at best, turns his back on at worst.

But sometimes, he remembers that childish part of him that wishes to keep on believing. That there's a benevolent being out there that cares for her children and grants their wishes should they devote themselves to her.

It's that side of himself that feels like his prayer has been answered when Dimitri presses his lips against him, eyes widening at how unexpected as it is. Most of Felix had been bracing himself for a rejection, a painful line of reasoning he could understand.

Yet Dimitri feels the same way, and it's impossible not to lose himself in that thought. His breath hitches as he moves to cup Dimitri's cheeks in his hands, heart soaring at the acknowledgement. Squeezing his eyes shut, he presses against Dimitri's lips with the same ferocity that was in his earlier gaze. Despite his joy at having his feelings returned, tears spring to his eyes, unbidden as a familiar heaviness seizes his chest and throat at the bleak reality that hangs over them as a backdrop.

This moment will not last forever. Eventually, they will have to return to their respective worlds, and move on from this reprieve from their sorry lives.]

["It is far easier to let your body do the talking", he'd said to Hilda, and though he didn't have this particular sort of dialogue in mind when he said that, it certainly rings true right now all the same. The urgency brought on by the bittersweet evanescence of this moment temporarily takes him over, and he finds himself returning that kiss just as fiercely without a single thought about their location or the propriety of it. Only his inexperience causing him to forget to breathe brings him back to reality somewhat, gasping as he lifts his head again. Dimitri brushes the back of his knuckles over Felix's cheek, peering down at him as if he's an impossibility.

But then he smiles.]

...let's head inside.

[Crying and kissing at the same does make it hard to breathe, and it's with great relief that Felix finds himself reacquainted with air, a need that wasn't quite forefront back when he was engaging Dimitri.]

...Yes.

[Breathless, Felix lets his hands fall to the side, returning Dimitri's smile with a feeble one of his own.

As they file out of the docks, Felix casts one last look towards the lake, and the green lights that dot the horizon, chest swelling with emotion as he does so. It's a sight he wouldn't miss given what came out of them, but at the same time, it's because of them that he had this chance in the first place.

A chance to step into the road less taken, and finding out what answers lay beyond it.

---

The next day, Felix wakes up with a familiar ache in his body, akin to a rough training session prior to seeking out the land of sleep. His muscles ache comfortably, though strangely bit more than usual, especially in a rather unlikely region...

It's only by virtue of realizing he's wrapped in someone's arms that everything about the night before rushes back to him...

...Or most of it for that matter. Dimitri certainly made good on Felix's challenge to make him forget about certain things, if anything.

Still, Felix can't help the smile that creases his expression as he beholds Dimitri's sleeping form and the matching bruise he sports on his neck.

It wasn't a dream. This isn't a dream. They're still rooted in this present, for however temporary it might be.]

Edited 2019-10-26 13:46 (UTC)

[Dimitri's deeply asleep, but being wrapped together so tightly also means that he wakes when Felix stirs, regardless of how careful he is to not wake him. He keeps his eye closed for a few extra minutes regardless, willing sleep to return... but to no avail. He grumbles a little before opening his eye, pushing the hair that's fallen into it out of his face.]

...Good morning.

[Felix nods his acknowledgement of the greeting, pressing his forehead against Dimitri's shoulder. Closing his eyes briefly, he takes a moment to bask in the reality of the moment before starting to reluctantly pull away.

If Dimitri will allow it, he'll start to rise and climb off the bed.]

[Though he would really rather laze around a little while longer, the insistent growling of his stomach is there to remind him that he neglected to eat the day before. Dimitri rolls out of bed right after him, moving to tug his clothing on for the day.]

We should probably find a different room... perhaps Dedue's? I have not seen him here yet, and if he were to arrive, he would be discreet.

[Dimitri would insist on giving him his room back at that point, though.]